Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
When someone trying to leave me
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing