Today’s Times
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Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Best spoiler warning ever
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Why are bridges so flammable.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.