You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
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People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.