Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Thursday Thought.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Good morning y’all ☀️
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?