[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
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[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.