Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
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My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?