“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
You Might Also Like
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
*ernest hemingway voice*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.