Hamburger Hinderer.
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Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.