Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Alexa: *deep breath*