I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
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Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.