Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
You Might Also Like
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Sheep
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night