I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
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Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”