I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
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In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.