Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
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*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO