Your proctologist called. He found your head.
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My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”