My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
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[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Where is your GOD now????
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.