Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
You Might Also Like
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.