“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
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They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”