I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
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I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*