I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
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My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.