[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
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If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.