Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
TRAIN’S HERE
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk