Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.