Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I would like even faster food.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.