When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
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Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff