An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*limbos under the caution tape
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo