ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
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me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time