[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
You Might Also Like
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
“Wait, let me explain..”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.