Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
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That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I have two kinds of followers
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.