Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
You Might Also Like
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
how to exercise your calf muscles
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!