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As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Something Saturday.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.