When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
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Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
What?!?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
#dnd #ttrpg
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.