Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
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Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Tuesday
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz