Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
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Social Media and Real life
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I like crazy people until they notice me
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.