I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
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Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot