mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
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[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
May your day taste like creamy soup.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.