I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
who did the taste test?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”