My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
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I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Love is always patient and kind.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
i think both sides are to blame here
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”