Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
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Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.