I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
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Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Best spot.. 😅
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…