women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
You Might Also Like
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.