If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.