I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
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1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
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🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
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🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My sex drive has a dui
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.