Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
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listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.