A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
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“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
bugs when you lift up a rock
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future