Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
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Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.