Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
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Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week