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I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
This is hilarious….
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.