when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
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My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.