So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
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Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
asking santa clause for nudes
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me too door. Me too.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will